I Love Hats Because I Hate my Horrid Hair
by Tina Boomerina (Christina Gregoire)
I have sucky (substitute any word) hair. I have lots of other issues with my body: short legs, wide shoulders, no butt, crappy cheekbones, stubby neck, bad vision, no waistline, and sallow skin; but my sucky hair is my biggest problem. Some women have bad hair days… I have a bad hair life.
So, now you know why I love hats.
Okay, I shouldn’t complain. There are lots of problems worse than stringy hair. There are children who have cancer. There are soldiers who’ve had their legs blown off. There are old ladies who live in dumpsters. And, I wish I could help those people with their problems, but even if I could, it still wouldn’t solve the problem of my sh_____ hair.
A Bad Hair Life:
I’m not saying that my hair is thinning because I’m getting older… although it is… I’m saying that my hair has been fine and thin and straight and lifeless since the day I was born. Good genetics, I guess.
Some religions say we choose our parents before we are born. I think I must have lost a bet that day… and someone else got the parents with the good-hair gene.
And, if I hear one more woman talk about how she gets flat hair from wearing a hat (hat hair), I think I’ll scream. Can’t you just fluff up your freaking hair and shut up?
What About a Wig?
Hey, don’t tell me to wear a wig. I know there are times when a wig is the answer (I used to have a weave), but I’m always afraid a regular wig will fall off. However, I may have to find a good wigmaker someday… and he/she will probably have a few answers for my fear of “losing my hair” in public.
I know that everyone in Hollywood wears a wig. I know that almost every person you see on TV wears a wig. So, I know there must be a few techniques to ensure that a woman’s fake hair stays on.
Somehow, the fear of having my hat blow off, exposing my terrible tresses, just isn’t as bad as having a wig come off. Actually, I can get by without a hat, but it’s so much bother to make my hair look good that I always seem to find myself popping on a topper. So, I feel weird without a hat, just like some women feel weird WITH a hat.
Tips for Women's Hats:
Well, enough with the b*tching and moaning.
I have learned a thing or two about hats over the years, through trial and error, so here are some hat tips for those of you who don’t have a closet full of chapeaus:
Hat Colors: Your hat does not have to match your outfit. If you grew up during the 60s, all of those finicky rules have been thrown out the door... unless you’re the queen of some major country. On the other hand, wearing a hat that matches your outfit is still a very chic look. But, if your outfit is all matchy-matchy, you should try to add some element of surprise, so you don’t look too fussy and anal.
Hat Styles: There is more than one type of hat that will look good with any outfit. What’s important is that the hat has the same level of formality as the outfit... unless you want to go indie... and do something fun like wearing a casual hat with an evening gown (or an evening hat with a pair of denim shorts). This mismatching of styles can be done, but it takes a certain level of panache and guts to pull it off. (I have faith in you.)
Hat Silhouettes: One of the most important things to remember is that you want to look proportional from head to toe. A big floppy hat changes the balance of your silhouette. A small cloche or turban is more like pulling your hair up, so it’s not quite as dramatic. But remember... the bigger the hat… the smaller you look. A large brim can take a few pounds off and make your face look narrower. However, do not take this to extremes or people will say, “There goes that crazy lady with the big hat.”
Hat Crowns: You might be able to wear any style of hat, but I finally noticed that hats with rounded crowns look better on me than hats with square or flat crowns. A fedora (or cowboy hat) with a crease in the crown can sometimes be more difficult for me to wear. Well, I should point out that I can wear some fedoras. It depends on the crease, the brim, and the embellishments. However, if you don’t know what type of hat to buy, try a few on and pay attention to the crown. (You may look better in the kinds of hats that I can't wear.) Once you know the style of crown you like, it’s so much easier to buy a hat online.
Hats Frame Your Face: You can get hats that act like halos… and become your crowning glory. You can get hats that draw attention to your face or that hide your face. You can get hats that make your day dresses into cocktail dresses. It’s absolutely amazing. If only I knew how to style and make my own hats.
Someday I will have a hat made for me. So far, I’ve only bought off-the-rack hats… and I’ve had to send a few of them back… but not as many as you’d expect.
Your Hat Defines You:
You don’t have to have $#!*@&+y hair to love hats. Even if you have great tresses, hats are a lot of fun… and you’ll meet more people when you’re wearing a hat. A ton of women will stop you and say, “Wow, where did you get your hat. I wish I could wear hats.”
Well, you can. You just don’t.
I think it’s remarkable that I discovered the wonder of hats out of practical necessity. But, I am so happy I did discover them because hats are so much fun… and they’re so me.
Your hat (or lack of one) really defines you. It changes you. It changes your look. And, it’s hard to explain the difference it will make in how people react to you. You’ll just have to see for yourself.
What would your peasant ancestors think if they knew you were going around in sweatpants and T-shirts… and no hat? They would think you were still a peasant.
Of course, saying that just took my etiquette IQ down to barbarian level, but I hope this article helps you get over your hat phobia and realize how much you can change any boring outfit with the help of a little (or big) topper.
Hats rock. Let’s take them to the next level.
More Articles for Fashionable Women of All Ages:
How to Look Chic in a Bathing Suit (Written by my daughter)
Photo Credits: Prshots.com and Wikipedia.
- Main Photo: DorothyPerkinsUK.
- Hats Are Hip & Sassy: Miss Selfridge.
- Floppy Hats Worn Both Casual & Dressy: Miss Selfridge, IsmeUK (2).
- Hats With Bedhead Hair Are Sexy: G-Lab UK.
- Hats Give You Attitude - Choose Wisely: RiverIslandUK, Wikipedia, MyFashionClubDeutschland, HerrLicherDeutschland, SainsburysUK, Cookie, X-Two, Wikipedia.
- Your Hat Defines You: Wikipedia (3), White Stuff.
- Your Hat Can Hide You or Illuminate You: Wikipedia (2).
What do you think of this article? Are you ready to wear your hat out the door? Leave a comment at the bottom of the page if you have time.