Never Marry a Man Who: 94 Tips for Women
by Tina Boomerina (Christina Gregoire)
My husband was driving me crazy, so I decided to write an article about tips to help younger women decide whether or not to marry a man (or to live with him). Most of us have the dating part down, but when our relationships threaten to go to the next level, our minds turn to mush. So, I've compiled a list of man-traits to avoid when it comes to marriage or long-term commitment.
This article is based on common sense, my own experience (usually devoid of common sense), and the experiences of numerous women friends. If a tip has a name associated with it, that tip is from a specific woman. The other tips are from me or from women who wish to remain anonymous.
Marriage Tips from Older Women
Older women have a collective ton of experience when it comes to the red flags and warning signs that predict the possibility of a bad marriage. Well, we also know the good characteristics to look for in a potential mate... but that stuff isn't as much fun to write about.
We've all made mistakes, but we shouldn't let those mistakes go to waste. So, here are some tips (in no particular order) about men to avoid.
Never Marry a Man Who:
- 1. Has no friends.
- 2. Has no friends who aren't single.
- 3. Drinks.
- 4. Makes you want to.
- 5. Hits you.
- 6. Yells when you touch his remote control.
- 7. Lives with another woman.
- 8. Spends more money on clothes than you do.
- 9. Loves heroin.
- 10. Hates his kids.
- 11. Hates your kids.
- 12. Laughs when you ask how his first wife died.
Those tips are fairly basic and, hopefully, rather obvious. Now that we've gotten the important ones out of the way, we can move on. Of course, not all of the tips in this article are mine. Some advice has come from my friends.
And... you don't have to listen to all these great tips from your older, smarter sisters. However, if you must ignore our instincts, you should proceed slowly and cautiously before breaking any of the following rules below.
Never Marry a Man Who:
- 13. Is a lawyer. What if you ever have to divorce him?
- 14. Is a golf pro. (Pamela)
- 15. Is a stockbroker... too easy to park money offshore.
- 16. Is a doctor. (Tina and Cherie)
- 17. Is a salesman. (Michelle)
- 18. Is a musician.
- 19. Is a professional athlete. (Sondra)
- 20. Is a dancer at Chippendales. (Randi)
- 21. Is unemployed.
- 22. Is from a different culture. How much do you know about the Kitchen Gods? (Laura C.)
- 23. Is from a different religion. (Carrie)
Never Marry a Man Who:
- 24. Smokes.
- 25. Eats at McDonalds.
- 26. Is younger than your son.
- 27. Is older than your father.
- 28. Lies about his age. (My first husband said he was three years older than he was. Not really a big deal, so why lie? It was a sign of things to come. Laura D.)
- 29. Buys you gummy bears for Christmas (Cherie)
- 30. Buys you anything that has to be plugged in. (Laura D.)
- 31. Yells all the time.
- 32. Never smiles.
- 33. Makes you pay for the motel room.
Of course, most of you chicks already knew those tips. Hopefully, you didn't learn them through personal experience.
Disclaimer: Please remember that I'm on my third marriage, so I'm no relationship expert. I may have forgotten to include a few things. You can add tips I've left out in the comment section.
Never Marry a Man Who:
- 34. Only tells you he loves you when you're in bed.
- 35. Knows more than you do... about every subject.
- 36. Hates your favorite movie.
- 37. Always makes fun of fat women. (Carly)
- 38. Golfs all the time.
- 39. Bets when he golfs.
Current Children, Future Children, Friends & Family:
- 40. Never marry a man with child-support payments. (Rachel)
- 41. Never marry a man who has two women pregnant at the same time. (Louise)
- 42. Never marry a man who has children that tell you not to marry him because he's a jerk.
- 43. Never marry a man your children hate.
- 44. Never marry man whose children hate you.
- 45. Never marry a man who tries to keep you away from your friends (unless your friends are bad people).
- 46. Never marry a man who hates his mother.
- 47. Never marry a man who values his mother more than he values you. (AW Fitzgerald)
- 48. Never marry a man who lives with his mother.
- 49. Never marry a man who wants to be his mother.
When to Break up with a Man:
Yes, there's more. We want this to be as comprehensive as possible... so let's have a little wickedly delicious fun.
- 50. Never marry a man who hits on the waitress (or waiter).
- 51. Never marry a man who can only talk about himself.
- 52. Never marry a man who talks about his ex all the time.
- 53. Never marry a man who has more hair than you do.
- 54. Never marry a man who won't come and pick you up from the hospital. (Connie)
- 55. Never marry a man who says he loves you to death. He just might.
- 56. Never marry a man who snores. (Barbara)
- 57. Never marry a man who can't cook.
- 58. Never marry a man who punches holes in the walls.
- 59. Never marry a man who gives you an engagement ring with his first wife's diamond.
- 60. Never marry a man who says he loves his dog more than you.
- 61. Never marry a man who watches Fox News 24 hours a day.
- 62. Never marry a man who reads the Craigslist personals.
- 63. Never marry a man who has no goals in life.
- 64. Never marry a man who spends too much time on Facebook.
- 65. Never marry a man who always says, “Get to the point,” when you are telling a story. (Angie)
- 66. Never marry a man who’s an only child.
- 67. Never marry a man who can list all your faults, but none of his own. (Cherie W.)
- 68. Never marry a man who actually believes that “Love is never having to say you’re sorry.”
- 69. Never marry a man whose favorite movie is Jackass.
- 70. Gets mad at you for eating ice cream.
- 71. Never marry a man who drives a Corvette.
- 72. Never marry a man who gets angry when you ask him change his clothes.
- 73. Never marry a man whose motto is “Don’t get mad, get even.”
- 74. Never marry a man you met in a bar.
- 75. Never marry a man who says he’s never made any mistakes. It means he’s never learned from his.
- 76. Never marry a man who talks about what other women did in bed.
- 77. Never marry a man to get out of a bad situation.
- 78.Never marry a man you’ve divorced once before. (Joanna)
- 79. Never marry a man with bad table manners. (Carla)
- 80. Never marry a man who gets upset when you ask him to open the childproof bottle for you because you have a migraine.
- 81. Never marry a man until you’ve met his ex.
Should You Marry Him?
- 82. Never marry a man who keeps your sex life on an Excel spreadsheet. (N.G.)
- 83. Never marry a man who watches Two and a Half Men. (Meg)
- 84. Never marry a man who needs a green card.
- 85. Never marry a man who won’t listen to you when you’re crying.
- 86. Never marry a man who listens to every word you say and holds it against you.
- 87. Never marry a man who keeps extremely close track of who paid for what.
- 88. Never marry a man just because he’s the exact opposite of your last husband.
- 89. Never marry a man who's an alcoholic. (Patty K.)
- 90. Never marry a man who doesn't love God more than you do. (Pam)
Relationship Advice for Women:
- 91. Never marry a man to escape a bad situation.
- 92. Never marry a man just because he asks you. (Boomergal)
- 93. Never marry a man who creeps you out in any way.
- 94. Never marry a man who doesn’t have that twinkle in his eye when he talks to you. (Brittany)
Of course, if you follow all these rules, you'll end up an old maid. The perfect man does not exist... haha.
I'm sure some of you intelligent women have learned a lot about life and relationships through your own experiences and from listening to your friends. You probably have a lot of great ways to finish the sentence, "Never marry a man who..." So, leave your tips in the comment section at the bottom of the page. Sometimes, when a woman is in love, she can't think straight. Let's do our part to help her make the right choice.
More Relationship Articles for Women:
Photo Credits: Wikimedia Commons.
- Main Photo: August Macke
- Never Marry a Man With No Friends: Ion Theodorescu-Sion
What do you think of this article? Do you disagree with some of these tips? Did I forget something? Leave a comment at the bottom of the page.