How to Look Thinner: A Critique of 12 Tips Article
by Tina Boomerina (Christina Gregoire)
I’m having one of my “fat” days, so I googled “how to look thinner” just for the heck of it. Well, the first search result that popped up had some great ideas and some terribly wrong ideas (in my opinion). So, here is my critique of the article “How to Look Thinner Using Fashion: 12 Tips Every Girl Should Know” by Perrie Samotin (magazine.foxnews.com).
Ms Samotin gets most of her tips right, but I have a couple of thoughts to add to her article… ideas that are especially relevant for women who’ve given birth to a few kids and are trying to hide more than a measly 5 extra pounds. So…
Dear Perrie Samotin, your article is good, but we have a few disagreements about the ways in which “real” women should dress to look thinner.
Perrie, you talk about the dreaded “muffin top”, but some women (like me) don’t have “muffin tops”, we have “muffin bodies”. Therefore, I’m not sure the good people at Spanx have invented an undergarment that is able to hold me (and my sisters) in enough to look as good as you do on one of your “bad” days.
So, while I actually do have a ton of different body-armor garments in my dresser for certain outfits, I’m beginning to believe more in draping, layering, and camouflaging than in stuffing my roundish body into some kind of a stretchy, space-age sausage casing.
2. Hem Lengths for Skirts and Pants:
Perrie, you’re right when you say that heavy women should avoid capris, pleated pants, and long baggy shorts. However, I believe you are wrong when you tell women to avoid calf-length skirts. I love tea-length skirts and dresses to death (as long as the outfit doesn’t look matronly), because longer hemlines balance my busty, top-heavy, upper body.
Therefore, I want women all over the planet to feel free to play with skirts of different lengths until they find one or two silhouettes that look absolutely smashing on their bodies. We are not all the same. There are no “fashion rules” that work for everyone. I’m just saying…
Also, I have to disagree with you, Perrie, when you say that knee-length pencil skirts and A-line skirts (that hit just above the knee) are universally flattering. Many women look great in those styles… but, baby, I’m not one of them. Knee-length skirts of any kind make me look dowdy as h*ll and A-line skirts remind me of those horrors my mother used to buy for me in junior high school.
Sure, lots of women look fab in those two fashions, but all women have curves in different places… all women have different proportions… short legs, long legs, big shoulders, no shoulders, big boobs, no boobs, etc., so it’s crazy to think that there can be a single set of rules that we can all follow to look thinner. It’s just not true. (By the way, Perrie, I agree with you about wearing dark jeans and trousers, and I agree with you about wearing hose that matches one’s shoes.)
3. Shoe Tips for Looking Thinner:
You have the shoe tips right for the most part. Our legs will look longer and leaner if we wear pumps with low vamps (shoes cut low enough to show a little toe cleavage). And, if we wear heels we will look taller and, thus, more height-weight proportional. However, I have to disagree with you about the wearing of thin heels. If a woman is heavy, a stiletto heel is going to look spindly and out of proportion… making her hulking body appear to be even hulkier than it really is. So, sometimes, a reasonably chunky heel is the best option for a curvy chick.
4. Make Sure Your Clothes Fit:
Yes… sleep with your tailor if necessary… whatever it takes. (article continues)
Keep reading about how to look thinner on page two.