Nude Heels – Skintone, Beige, Tan Colored Shoes
by Tina Boomerina (Christina Gregoire)
Attention all short, fat women! You want to look taller and skinnier, right? Well, make sure you have a closet full of skintone pumps and sandals that match the color of your legs. If you’re shopping online, the color is often called nude, beige, tan, or brown, but getting the right color… well, that depends on your own skin coloring.
Nude Pumps Make You Look Taller
There are, of course, outfits where darker pumps or booties will be the right choice, but most of the time, any kind of nude or skintone shoes with a heel will make you look taller than the same shoes in black.
Part of this has to do with the fact that when you have an unbroken line from your hem to your tootsies, it will elongate your leg. But, in addition to that… and I know this sounds ridiculous… beige shoes will make you look almost barefoot even when the shoes have 5-inch heels. It’s a little bit of magic that all of us shorter, stockier, older “girls” can use to give us a bit of an edge.
Of course, if you’re young, beautiful, tall, and rich, you CAN use this same trick, but older women like me will hate you for it. Oh no, we won’t say anything to your face, but we’ll talk about you in secret, behind your back, because you won’t be playing fair. So, if you’re tall and willowy… wear flat, neon-orange moonboots or something. (Note: If you’re one of our single daughters, go ahead and wear nude pumps.)
What Color Is Best?
The right shoe color depends on your skintone.
If you’re shark-bait fair like me, the color you want will usually be called something like nude, beige, or sand. If you want a metallic, try soft gold, champagne, or a shoe with a weird name like pink pearl.
If you’re skin is dark, look for colors like tan, whiskey, or dark taupe. If you want a metallic, try bronze.
If you have a medium skintone, you’ll have to wing it, but shoes that are called camel, sandstone, or nubuck might be about right.
Okay, I fibbed. All of you will have to wing it because most brands have their own exotic name for the exact same color. Cole Haan’s “Maple Sugar” suede looks... (continued on page two)